Never Trust a Cricketer

By -
This was written by a cricketer's wife in fun - New Zealand's greatest all-rounder, the late Martin Crowe's wife, Lorraine Downes, a former Miss Universe on his 7th death anniversary on March 3, 2023 in Auckland. Apparently, Martin had a great sense of humor and to be a wife of a cricketer, you must've an even bigger sense of humor and understanding. So here it goes….

Come all ye fair young maidens, harken unto me!
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor
who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand
an inch above your knee.

First let's take the paceman,
pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful;
his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer,
his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent
and can keep it up all day!

Watch out for the off-spinner girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening,
he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy',
pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful,
your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition,
to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher,
he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action,
he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger,
not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease
then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller.
Girls! he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in,
it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man,
I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful,
and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper.
Girls! he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel,
he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the capt'n, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions
that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator
is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action
and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire,
who looks as friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember
and repeat it after me:

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